Radiation is getting ready to start

Well went to the radiation oncology yesterday to sign my paperwork that I understand what is going to happen during the treatment.  So we are getting closer to the next to last step in treatment.  One good thing is that I am going to have it a the brand new hospital.  So everything is new.  And the doctor told me I will be patient #1 to get the CT Scan and radiation in the brand new ultra updated machine.  So that is kinda of cool.  Hey I have to look at something as a postive in this craziness. 

Well I get four new tattoos, not the kind I like to have but going to be another reminder of all the steps I am taking to make sure that I a live a long and health life. 

So one of the long term effects of radiation is permanent tanning of the area that they give you radiation.   So I think to myself wow now I am going to have left boob tan and right boob pastey white.  LOL

Well my hair is starting to grow back, even on my legs.  I actually have shave now every week or so now.  Again another perk of chemo, not having to shave for a while.  But as far as my hair on my head it is coming back rigt now.  It is kinda of like a baby hair. So maybe I would have enough hair by christmas to not have to wear a hat.

Still feeling the after affects of chemo.  I haven't had a visit from aunt flo since May.  I guess you can say this is a perk, but the bad thing about not having aunt flo visit you get pre-menapause symptoms.  Right now I am exhausted, because I don't sleep because I get night sweats.  Well not only night sweats, but also hot flashes and start to sweat anywhere it comes on.  The doctors have said that aunt flo may come back because of my age.  But I won't mind if it didn't, but if it does tht only means that I have to go through these symptoms when I get to the age that is is suppose to stop.  Well that sucks.

This morning I was watching the news and they story about the little boy leaving his football game because his coach told him he couldn't wear his pink gloves.  That hit home and I got very emotional.  I was fortunate enough be involved in a great organization that is looking forward to wearing pink as well as participated last season in a date dedicated to breast cancer awareness.   I just think some people are ignore.  I am not sure how I would react to a grown man being that ignore to what is happening in his players lives.

Well I am going to try and get some sleep but October 3rd I get my scan and then a few days later I will start 5-1/2 weeks of radiation therapy.  Keep sending good throughts and prayers we are almost through it.

Jenn

Last Chemo Treatment

Well I know I haven't written in a while.  Just have been so busy living life.  That is right people I won't let having cancer stop me from being me and living life.  Tomorrow is my last chemo treatment.  Funny it seems like it went so fast just like summer does.  I am very glad to be done just one more weekend of feeling like crap after the chemo drugs are in my system.  Bad new is that I do have to do radiation.  Not to happy about it, but the radiation oncology feels that it is the best thing to do again as preventative care.  She said why would be make sure we killed any cancer cells in your blood stream with chemo and not make sure we go after anything that may been unlying in the skin that has been left from the mastosmcy.  And yes I could have said no I don't want it, but I have come this far I am going to make sure that I take every precaution that we got all of the cancer.  Even though Dr. Levy feels that she got all of the cancer with the surgery we still have to make sure it is gone for good.   I get to recover from Chemo and have to get one more fill in the Foobs before we start radiation.  And since the hospital is moving, I will have to wait until October to start radiation.  So I get either 5 or 6 weeks of radiation ( yes people it is an every day thing)!  UGH!!  But again it is what the doctor's feel is the best.  And then I have to wait 3 months to recover from the radiation to get the permanent implants put in.  So that puts us at March so almost 1 year from the initial surgery I will be foob free and have new perk BOOBS!  And the best part will be that they will be cancer free. 

My hair has started to come back, slowly but it is still coming back.  I have read that usually by about 4 months after chemo stops you have a boys hair do that you can stop wearing your hats.  So that means for my 40th birthday I will have hair.  Love that present.  :)

I am looking forward to calling the surgeon who put my port in and see when I can get that taken out.  I really can't wait for that day.  I hate the way it looks and it hurts.  Out of the pain that I have went through that pain has been one of the worst. 

Well my since my Foob filled on Monday they are also becoming a little uncomfortable, because they have to be filled larger than my actual implants to make sure there is enough room for the radiation scarring to happen.   As Dr. DiBello has filled them they have become a little more oblong than round and I have part of the foob under my left underarm (Kathy Dr DiBello's assistant did tell me he would fix that at implant surgery time), but it is uncontrol.  And it isn't like I can just push it over or hold it in place with a bra.  Oh yea I haven't needed to wear a bra since March.  So I guess that is one good thing about having this whole procedure done.  They don't move.  :)

Well keep your prayers and thoughts coming they really do mean a lot.  Hope everyone had a great 4th.  We just chilled at home and enjoyed the down time.

Jenn

2 down 2 to go

Ok mom told me that I was lacking in my communications lately.  Just been either busy or sleeping trying to get through the treatments.  So far so good.  Have had two treatments and the first two treatments went ok.  The weekend after my treatments have been rough but I have been able to get through them.  By Monday I start to feel normal again with just feeling tired but able to push through. 

My hair started to fall out on day 17 after my first treatment so I texted my girlfriend and asked her to shave it.  It felt much better than just waiting for it to fall out like hairballs.  I do have a sampling of wigs, but I have chose to just wear my hat most of the time.  The wig bands just itch too much.  My hats don't look too bad.  I still have some peach fuss but it is slowing coming out.  I am thinking by week two of this treatment I will not having anything.  I just hate looking like a cancer patient now.  I know I have been a cancer patient since December but it never showed.  I never felt sick.  Now I have both.  UGH!!!  Oh well it is just a sign that I am fighting the cancer and winning.  The hair will come back. 

Oh there is a little update.  I will write more as we go into the 3rd treatment.

Thanks again for all the postive thoughts and prayers. They are truly working.

Love you

Jenn

4 days down

Wow I thought I was going to be ok but last night was really difficult.  They said after all of the pre drugs that they give you start to wear off you could feel like you had the flu and start to feel the effects of the chemo drugs.  I was feeling ok up until last night.  Tired but nothing I couldn't deal with just relaxing and taking a nap here and there.  Still feeling that way.  Hoping that I can make it through a work day tomorrow.  Well shall see.  If not I will just come home and relax.  Work has been so wonderful working with me through this.  

Well I have never had the flu but yesterday night definately felt that way.  Chills, sweats just plain old feeling shit.  But went to bed and woke up this morning feeling a lot better.  I am hoping that was the worst of this for this treatment.  Funny people say that you might want to eat.  I am having the totally opposite effect.  I want to eat everything.  Making sure that I am drinking too. 

So now we just wait until the rest of the effects start.  Maybe maybe not.  Time will tell. 

Just a small update on how I made it so far.

TTYL

Jenn

First Chemo Treatment

Ok I survived my first chemo treatment.  It was rather easy.  Show up talk briefly to the doctor and then find a chair and wait for them to hook you up many bags of drugs.  They first hook up the anti nause meds and then the bendryl and then you get another bag of anti nause meds and then the give you the chemo drugs.  I am doing a cocktail of T/C.   It wasn't so bad except that they come at you with this really big needle and stick it into your port.  Wow it hurt.  Thank goodness I only have to do that three more times.  So you sit there and just wait while the drugs go into your system.  You don't feel anything.   The nurse said that I did very well.  And shouldn't have any problem.  No allegeric reactions at all.  She was very impressed.  Funny thing is that we were talking and I told her about my Gastric Bypass Surgery and that I had lost 145 lbs and mom showed her the progression photo and she couldn't believe it was me.  She even said that the last phone I might have been too thin.  I only was 5 lbs from where I currently am. 

So today we had to go back and get a white blood cells booster shots.  And that really hurt too.  But again it is all doing what is necessary to make the side effects less.  Right now I don't have any side effects accept that I am a little tired.  I can't even say I am tired just feel sluggish.  Was definately a good idea taking off today and resting.  I have spent the day relaxing on the couch.  Taking cat naps here and there but physically feeling ok.  I have been able to eat and keeping hydrated. 

In two weeks we go back and have my counts looked and and then May 24th, we go an have our second treatment.  One down, three to go.  So far so good. 

I am all ready got my wig and lots of hats.  They did say most likely in the next two weeks the hair will start to fall out.  Well hell watch out hair cuttery because as soon as I have the first signs, here we come get the clippers out.  Rocking the wigs.    Oh yea and the last fill of the foobs wasn't that bad but we are getting up there with the cc's and this time I am having more discomfort with regards to the stretching of the muscles.  I guess this is my body telling me that we are almost there too. 

Well there is the update so far.

TTYL

Again thank you everyone for the prayers and good thoughts we are almost at the end the finish line is coming closer!  :)

Jenn  

short update!!

Sorry all for having posting in a while!  Just been busy busy with life.   Well the boys and I are doing well.  We are trying to be back in the swing of things with life in general.  Work and baseballs have been taking up most of the free time that we have.  But loving every minute of it. I love being at work and keeping busy.  Hate having to go to the follow up appts with the doctors and physical therapy.  But a girl has to do what a girl has to do.  Look forward to having this all behind and starting a new me.  Right now any free time I have away from work is running to baseball, being a mom and help my friend Tanya run the snack stand.  I know everyone keeps asking me how do I do it.  Well I love doing it!  It makes me feel alive.  As many of you know I don't do well sitting still for a long period of time. 

Had the port put in last Thursday and that went well.  Still a little sore but pushing through as always.  Have my last weekly scheduled fill for the foobs on Monday.  Then after that I have to schedule two more around the chemo treatments.  Because they don't want to stick a needle in you after they just push toxic drugs through your system until you are on the upswing of your body repairing itself.  Right after the fill on Monday I am headed to Bryn Mawr hospital to have my wig fitting.  That sounds so much like an old lady.  But if I am going to lose the hair I am not going to walk around without any.  That is the one thing I really am going to hate.  And I think worry the most about.  Losing my hair.  Not that I think my hair defines me but I enjoy being a girly girl when I want to or putting on my baseball cap and my makeup. 

I start chemo on Thursday.  They say this first one is the longest (5 hours) of just sitting in a chair and letting toxic drugs run through your body to kill any cancer cells that may be there from the surgery.  I am hoping I am going to be able take some naps.  Because I can't even start to think about sitting there for 5 hours and trying to read.  I am going to go crazy.  But it is for the best.  I am hoping to feeling ok to at least attend Jason's game on Sunday.  I hate missing him and the boys play.  They are doing so well and I am so proud of Jason as well as his teammates.  They really have come together to stay the first half of the season as undefeated.  5-0.  I am so proud of my little man. 

Today is Jason's 10th birthday.  I can't believe my little boy is growing up so quickly. 

Well there you go peeps.  A little update on what is going on.  Keep praying and sending those great thoughts my way.  I still have a long road ahead and I think this might just be the hardest of the journey so far.  We are praying that everything stays on the right track and we can be done treatments by July 4th.  If everything goes according to plan.

TTYL

Jenn

Feeling more normal

Well I am feeling better and in very nice recovery mode right now.  I guess you can say that I am feeling more and more normal.  I am still getting the foobs filled every Monday.  Dr. DiBello is putting in about 75 cc's each visit.  Right now I am about 300 cc's in foob.  And I have three more appts scheduled which will be put me at 525 cc's in each before I start chemo.   I start chemo on May 3rd.  I only have to do 4 rounds which I am very happy about.  But I have to schedule my fills around my chemo.  So hopefully we will be almost done during chemo.   Last week I went and got my hair cut very short because I don't think I am going to be able to deal with my long hair falling out.  I am hoping that it being shorter it won't be as bad.  

Well Jason's Opening Day for baseball was a huge success.  It was very fulfilling and helped keep me busy and focused to recover so that I could fulfill my duties.  Everyone was so impressed and loved the day.  It was so rewarding to be a part of it. 

Now onto treatment and to attend and help out at as many of Jason's games that I can.  I truly love being involved with the organization.  I am hoping that my treatment doesn't put me down for too long or too bad because I want to be there for J and show him my support.  To show him that I am a fighter and stay focused on what is important.  He is doing so well right now and really showing how mature he is becoming as well as a team player. 

TTYL

Jenn

One month since surgery

So it has been offically 1 months since my surgery and everything seems to be going well.  Back to work and very happy to be there.  Have been to physical therapy 3X so far and have to go 2X a week.  It seems to be working too.  Not as tight I was in the beginning.  I get to molest my breast to loosen the muscles around the expanders and they have me doing a lot of home exercises to stretch the muscles out. 

I got my first fill today.  It was one of the weidest feelings.  I actually felt the saline going into the expander and also because it has folds in there since they are not full.  I actually heard it unfold.  Again another weird sound from the foobs.  LOL   Well I go back every Monday until they are done.  I started out with 150 cc's and then put 75 in today.  I have no idea of how much they are going to have to put in.  But Dr. DiBello said I will wind up with a full c to d cup.  Crazy huh.  They took off sagging B's and after this is all over I will wind up with perky C - D. 

Going on Wednesday to see the general surgeon to see what is involved in getting the port put in for chemo.  Another surgeon.  Boy I am going to have a road map of scars.  But it is all good.  Now we are on track to have to this all taken care of and get this over with. 

TTYL
Jenn

First week of work done!

First week back to work.  It was so great to get back into the swing of things and back to work.  I know there were a lot of people that were worried about me going back to soon.  But it was a very good thing for me.  I need to be there for sense of being.  My work is a very big part of who I am.  It makes me feel like things are normal.  Even know I know that they are not but it helps.  Every day around 3:30 or so I would start to feel tired but I was able to finish out the day. Just got to bed very very early this week.  I didn't have any problems sleeping this week.  :)

So I have a lot doctor appointments scheduled in the upcoming weeks, but it is all going to be worth it the end.  I saw Dr. Biermann (my oncologist) on Thursday with mom and Franny.  They really liked him which made me very happy that I chose him.  Dr. Biermann did inform me that I will have 4 rounds of chemo.  Which is 12 weeks total, this is a great news.  The less amount of chemo that you can get.  That make me very happy.  With regards to radiation, that will be determined at a later date.  the radiation oncologists are on the fence with regards to patients that had a mastectomy that if it is necessary or not.  They are leaning on the side of yes.  So again if it then it is just a part of treatment.  The more preventive measures we take the better we are so that we beat this forever.  I am not ready to give up on anything and let this win.  No way.   I start physical therapy on Monday afternoon.  I am kinda of interested to see what they do with regards to breast reconstruction physical therapy.  I am able to more my arms for the most part but it still hurts to do somethings.  The weirdest feeling is what started this morning.  It is a pinching feeling in my boob area.  Dr. Levy said that was a good thing, that the nerves are healing and repairing themselves.  April 2nd I start getting the foobs filled.  That should be an interesting watching every week the foobs grow.  That is a very weird thing to see in clothing right now.  Being flat chested.  I can't even remember being flat chested.  But I am right now but it is all temporary. 

Well when I saw Dr. Biermann we had to go into the treatment area and that was very rough.  The patient advocate was talking to me and said something very true.  She said your feelings are different than your attitude.  I do have a very positive attitude, but I also have very true feelings. And they come out and I do break down sometimes.  And watching these other women sitting there hooked up to bags of toxic drugs was very emotionally.  Thinking that in about a month that is going to be me.  I know I am going to have a very emotion deal losing my hair.  I really didn't care about losing my breasts.  I guess because they where not health and I didn't know what was happening it made me very relived to have them gone.  But to have to lose my hair because of the drugs that I have to take just to make sure that we got all of the cancer as well as help with it not to come back.  Scares the shit of me.  Sorry but yes losing my hair scares me and not feeling well and consistent tired feeling scares me.  I just want to make sure I can get better and I know this is the one way.   

Again I will try and keep everyone update.

TTYL

Jenn

18 days post op

Well it is 18 days since I had my surgery.  I have to say that it was a very trying recovery period.  I am very grateful to have my mom and family, but not being able to be independent and have to depend on people.  That was very very hard for me.  But I did it and now I am on the mend.  Friday Dr. DiBello took out the drains and it was very liberating.  He said everything is looking well.  I start my fills on April 2nd.  He is away for 10 days so that is why I can't start sooner.  I still have to set up physical therapy, a follow up with Dr. Levy and then a meeting with the oncologist (Dr. Bierman).    I already set up to get at least 4 fills for all of April.  Not sure how many I am going to need but at least that is scheduled.  Every Monday morning, I get to get experience puberty and have my foobs grow.  Now that the swelling is going down my foobs definitely look like I am 12 again.  Little bumps. ;)  I actually don't need a bra but I did go out and buy a sports bra to have the compression still to keep the swelling down because they are still healing.   The whole area just feels weird.  I am not sure if it because I was so compressed and packed with bandages for 18 days in the surgical bras or because of the swelling has started to go down.  I know that under my left arm I did have more swelling than other side and now that the drains have come out that swelling is almost gone that area feels so much different. 

This weekend was the first time I could drive in 18 days.  That was a very weird feeling also.  It was very nice to be able to just get up and go.  Saturday I went over to field maintenance day at our baseball field, even though I couldn't help with the physical stuff but I wanted to be there for support.  It was a beautiful day to be out and the boys were able to play at the playground after they helped.  Sunday was our first practice.  I am so excited to be back at baseball.  It is one of my favorite time of the year.  Joey went over to Betty's and played in her yard.  Jason did very well, he was a little rusty with some of this things, but you can tell that other stuff has stuck.  I know he is going to do well this season. 

I am going back to work tomorrow.  I am very excited to get back into the routine, but also a little scared that I can do the whole day.  My body is still recovering and this weekend after going out and just that little bit of stuff I did, I needed to lay down and relax when we got home.  I know that if I start to feel this way at work and tell my boss he will let me go home, but I really want to try and hold out and see how I do.  I am guessing is a waiting game.  Will update you guys on this one.

Another weird thing that happened today, I put on a shirt today that I was a little big for me before I had my surgery and I had to hang it back up because I don't have anything to fill the top out anymore.  That was a really weird thing to look at in the mirror.  I have a feeling that I will tend to weird lots of baggy shirts for a while until I get over looking in the mirror.  I am not upset about it, I just don't think it looks right.  Since my bypass surgery, I haven't like what I see in the mirror with no clothes on, but always liked the way I looked in clothes.  Now I have to get over not liking what I look like in clothes for the time being.  I know it is only a temporary thing, but that is something that I have to get through. 

The visit with the oncologist is weight a lot on my mind now.  Because what he says is the next step to my treatment.  I know I am strong and I am going to do this with everything I have.   But again it sucks that we are at the unknown stage once again.  We do know the surgery removed the cancer and the lymph nodes are clean, but what is the next step to make sure that the cancer stays away.   I really hated being out of work and not feeling well.  I just hope that we can do the less treatment as necessary and get on with this.

A friend of mine contacted me during my recovery about working with him on a benefit to help raise money for breast cancer research.  He has a band and wants to get people come to see them but during this raise money for breast cancer research.  It not only has hit him directly as his mother was diagnosed over the summer, but we have a couple other friends in our circle that have been diagnosed.  So I am looking forward to helping with this and hoping that I will feel well enough to not only help as much as possible but attend.  I believe that this is going to be something that I am going to become very passionate about.    So all of you who are reading this, keep you eye out for information about this benefit it is going to be a great time for a great cause.  We are going to look for a different organization that is locate other than Komen to see who can we real help on a personal level.  But definitely for research!!

Well TTYL

Jenn

Still in prison

UGH!  Well I still have 2 drains in.  I can't stand that I am starting to physically feel better and just want to get onto the next step, but I am confined to my house because the drains are still collecting fluids.  And the big rule is that you can't drive while I have the drains in.  They won't start to fill the foobs until the drains out and I can't start to see the physical therapist until they come out.  I know that they are doing their job and really don't want this fluid to build up under the skin.  If they take out the drains too soon, it will build up and then they have to stick me to drain it.  So I guess my couch is my best friend right now.  I did walk to the store up the road today just to get out and feel normal.  That was nice.  The weather is so nice.   

I just want to start to feel normal already.  Get my boys back into their routine.  Everyone being here and helping me has really turned their life upside down.  Jason is acting out a lot lately and I have decided to seek outside help.  I can see it in his eyes that he is stressing and can not express himself.  I tried to give them as much attention as possible but being sick the last couple of weeks has really turned their lives upside down.  I am not making excuses for him but I know it is weight a lot on his mind.  Last night it was just me and the boys and it was very  nice to just have the three of us.  I do appreciate everything and every ones help but I (we) needed some alone time.  It was actually very nice to have Jason crawl into bed next to me.  I missed him doing that.  He was very good staying on his side but I am hoping that knowing that he can crawl in bed with mom help him a little. 

I am still hoping to go to back to work on Monday but it is all based on having the drains come out.  I have to call tomorrow with measurements.  Everybody think under 30 in a 24 hour period. 

But I did feel productive today.  I did some baseball stuff and it made me feel good to be in front of my computer and get things moving again.   Hell my fingers aren't broken. 

Well I will keep you up to date.  Check back soon

TTYL
Jenn

One week down

So it has been one since my surgery.  It is really weird to realize that one week ago I had cancer.  Now we have received great news from our pathology reports on Tuesday.  By removing the breast we have removed all the cancer.  There was nothing detected in the lymph nodes.  Once I am released from from Dr. DiBello for follow up from the surgery, I will be visiting Dr. Bierman to see what he thinks we should do from here.  But chemo and radiation will only be to kill anything that maybe be lurking that might be microscopic living.  But as of right now I all of the cancer that was we knew about has been removed. 

Just to make sure everyone knows what I actually had done.  I had a bilateral mastectomy (removed both breast) and Dr. Levy actually did an axcillary lymph node testing not just the sential testing.  I am guessing that she decided to go big or go home.  :) 

I am feeling better and better every day.  I am able to move my arms more and more.  Got two of the drains out today, what a wonderful feeling that was.  Kathy said that mostly likely if they other two continue to drain as they are I could be back their on Monday afternoon and have the others removed.  All I have to say to that is OH SWEET BABY JESUS!  That would just make my day.  So far that has been the most annoying part of the surgery having four drains hanging around your neck.   I know that they are doing a job that is necessary but it is definately something that I found to be very bothersome.

Today was a day were I felt more tired than any other days prior.  I guess because the pain is less and less sleeping on my back is becoming a problem.  I am not a back sleeper at all and not only having to sleep on my back but half sitting up is not very comfortable sleeping.  So I go to bed around 11 o'clock and by by 3 I am up and want to toss and turn and that doesnt happen because once you get into bed you don't move.  :) 

Well every day gets better and better.  Thanks again for all of the good thoughts and prayers they mean so much and are working.  Keep checking in. I will try and update as news stuff happens.

TTYL

Jenn

Another good day

Well recovery is going well.  Called Dr. DiBello with the drain reports this afternoon and Kathy said that I might be able to get two of the drains out as soon as Thursday.  That was great news.  I can definately leave my buddies at the doctor's office in a heartbeat.  I know that they are doing what they need to do but they are very bulky and weird having them hanging around my neck or pinned to my bra.

I got two very nice deliveries today one from a friend and the other from the little league's board of directors.  Again it was very nice of them to do that and still make me very humbled.   I also received a very nice email from a salesman that I worked with at a previous employer sending me prayers and well wishes.  Everyones good thoughts and prayers are working in great ways.  My recovery is going very well.  Even when I called Dr Dibello's office the receptionist and Kathy the nurse said that I sounded great.  I told them that I feel very good but listening to my body and rest and take it easy when I have to.

Well today I did break down and call work to check in.  I just needed a little information to feel normal.  And it did.  Just a 5 minute call to Bob helped make me feel good about things.  I know that everyone at work are doing such a good job working with my clients, but I know that they can be a handful and that I baby them sometimes in a good way.  My clients have become acustomed to that treatment.  I know that everyone is doing their best.  :)

Very funny thing people are starting to ask me is am I ready to see foobs?  Am I depressed or upset?  I have to tell you that I have seen them and it doesn't make me depressed or upset.  It is actually a relief that they are gone and not there anymore.  I did a lot of research and tried to prepare myself to what they were going to look like so I was not surprise to see what I saw.  I actually think they look very good for what trauma my chest has been through.  I knew that they were not going to look like breast at this point.  They actually look more like little bumps with lots of surgical tape on them. 

They are very numb and I mean numb and it has been 5 days since the surgery.  Think about when the dentist first shots the novicaine in there and you can't feel anything.  Well that is what my left side feels like.  It is a very weird feeling.   Still very sore and limited to how I can move my arms, but I am going to have one great set of ab muscles when this is all done.  I never realized how much you use the upper portion of your body and being limited is very very frustrating.  Reaching for things is very limiting.  Remembering that you can't just get up from a chair.  You have to get to the end of the chair or couch and then use all of the ab muscles to lift your body to standing position. But it all part of the healing process.

Well again thanks for reading.  I know I have been a little all over the place the last couple of post but I am trying to make sure I update when I get a chance.  Right now I am resting in bed while mom is making dinner.  It is very nice to have her here helping and I definately appreciate it.  I also know that this is a lot for my mom.  Since has had to take care of kids in a long time.  Even though the boys do a lot of self help, getting them ready for school, lunch made, up in the morning breakfast out the door.  I know I have a system in place but it take time.  I am very lucky to have her and my family supporting me.  And I love them very much.  I hope they realize that how much their support real means to me.

TTYL

Jenn

1st day home

ok surgery went well and I am on my way back to what could be normal but I don't think my life is going to be normal for a while.  Or what normal people would consider normal.  But could be normal for a person who is a cancer surviror.  Yes I am considering myself a cancer survior.  I have taken the first steps in betting this ugly thing that affects so many of our lives.

Well I am not going to be winning a swimsuit contest anytime soon with no boobs, but hey the ANGER boob is all gone.  They also did the lymph node testing.  Not sure how many they had remove or tested yet.  We should know this by mid next week.  Then we are going to call the oncologist and get that stage going as soon as we can.

I was quite humbled today.  I received the cutest flowers today from someone that I went to high school from.  She actually called me at the hospital last night to tell me how much my blog has touched her.  I was quite touched by her reaching out to me.  I am not doing this for self pity.  I am doing this more to make sure people see how thing horrible thing touches the life of me and my family.  And to show that as long as you stay positive with your attitude you will win.  And I want to make sure that young people know that we can get breast cancer too.  It is not just for someone over 40.  More and more of us are finding this shitty disease touching our lives too close to home.   What make 40 year old the magic number to start getting a mammogram.  Who decides this?  Our insurance companies.  Well again that sucks.  If I didn't do my self examinations, I would have never found the cancer and maybe it would have spread past the area that it knows were it is.

But I am home now resting missing my boys and on my way to this recovery stage.  Lets see how this goes.  I will keep everyone updated as much as possible.

Off to take some really good drugs.

TTYL

Jenn

2 days and counting

here is a little update...

Everything is falling into place and the stress level of what is necessary to be not be full functioning for at least 2 weeks is done.  6 - 8 weeks of rehab and no heavy lifting and physical therapy to make sure that I get all of my range of motion back.  Oh and going through puberty again.  Over the next weeks, I get my expanders filled.

I don't know if I have explained what is going to happen during my surgery.   But I will try.

Basically Dr. Levy (BS) is going to go in and remove all of the breast tissue in both breasts as well as go into the lymph nodes and test them to see if the cancer has spread.  Then Dr. DiBello (PS) will go in create a pocket in my pectrol muscle for temporary boobs called expanders.   He will insert the expanders into that pocket that he created and remove a muscle underneather my armpit area to create area for the expander to sit on.  This muscle he is going to remove is not use in normal people's bodies.  He said unless I was a professional rower I would use that.  I don't seeing becoming a rower in my 40's LOL.  These expanders have a port to be filled over a period of time.   He will fill it with some saline right away but it won't be fully filled for a while.    I will go back to him over several weeks to get filled over a period of time to continue to increase the pocket to hold the real implant.  I will have my surgery on Thursday and stay in the hospital until Saturday.  Once I am released on Saturday, I will have 4 drains in place to help with the healing process. 

The one thing that killed me is that the doctors telling me that I can't do something is very hard.  I know that I have do what I have to do to get better, but for someone to tell me that I can't do something just pissed me off.  Because my mom and family have always told me I can do anything.  So I am going to take that statement and use it at I won't quit for me and my boys.  And do whatever is necessary to get well again.

I do feel the love and support of all of my friends and family.  Even older friends that I haven't seen in a long time.  I received a phone call from one of my clients.  Funny thing is that this client was my family for 8 years.  I left the organization because it just wasn't the right fit for me professional anymore.  The worst part of leaving there was leaving my family that I came to love and respects as part of who I am.  My client told me that she let the people in that organization know what is happening in my life and she said that they wanted to come and see me and that if there is anything that I need just let them know.  It is quite overwhelming and very humbling.  I definiately feel the impact I have made on people's lives over time.  And it is come back for full force. 

People have asked me if I feel overwhelmed and actually I do not.  All of my responsiblities are taken care of and the burden of that has been lifted off of my shoulders.  I can focus on resting and getting better to fight the rest of this battle. 

I still feel that I have made the best decision for me and my boys to start this fight.   I do know that this is going to be a rough road ahead, but it is a good decision for me.  Some might not feel that way or wonder why I am doing this to myself and not going down a different road.  But one thing I have learned about having breast cancer is that everyone's treatment is different and also a very personal decision.   We all have to be tested to see where we are with regards to our cancer and some of us have to have chemo.  Some of us have to have radiation.

 But I have come to the conclusion, that having the "ANGER" boob removed so that tissue is no longer there and to have the other one removed just in case something was missed.  And follow it up with chemo and most likely radiation.  I have decided that this best course of action me. 

So continue to say your prayers and send good thoughts over the next couple of days.  It is going to be rough for me to be away from my babies for almost 5 days which is going to seem like a life time but they are going to be very good hands and well taken care of.   Mom, Mike and my aunts and uncles are going to be helping so much with me as well as the boys.  And you have to love Ms. Betty she is going to take Joey and make sure he is well taken care of.   Mom is going to be taking care of me and Aunt Carmen and Uncle Joe is going to take care of Jason until Friday and then they go to their dads for a couple of days.   So don't forget to call Mom or Mike and give them some support too.

Ok TTYL

Jenn

8 days and counting

Things are moving along.  Had a such as great time this weekend down the shore with some old friends as well as some new friends.  I laughed so much that my stomach muscles hurt.  It was just what I needed. 

So now onto scheduling.  The family came over last night and coordinated schedules of who is going to take care of me as well as make sure the boys are covered as far as trying to keep their schedules as normal as possible.  I have to attempt I know that I am going to need to lots of help, but in the back of my mind I also feel like I might wants some a lone time as well. But we shall see if that actually can happen. 

Opening day meeting went well tonight and that is moving along also.  Things are just falling into place.  I knew they would but this type of stuff is what I find the most worrysome.  I need to have my ducks in order so I feel that life is normal for everyone.

We where finally able to sit Joey and Jason down and tell them about my illness.  Mom picked up some really great books that explained what is happening and what will happen in the future as we go through this crazy roller coaster ride.  Joey read his book and picked out some key things that we were happy to see he recognized like the doctors and nurses.  So he does understand in his own way.  We told Jason that mommy's boobs are sick and that in a couple of days I will have to go into the hospital and get new ones.  For those of you who know Jason, you understand that we have to tell him like that on his level.  And then we read some of his book.  We told him that the medicine that has to take after her operation is going to make me lose my hair.  And he told me that I have to wear hats.  I told him we will go to the store and buy new hair.  He wants to know how we are going to keep it on it.  He said mom we can glue it on.  :)  I love my little man.  He just makes me smile. 

He took his book to school to share with some of his classmates.  I think he is using it as a security.  And that is just fine.  So I called his teacher and told her that he was bringing it.  And she was very happy with that.  She said she would email me later in the day telling me how he did.  Well he did wonderful and they did share his book with his special reading class, but his teacher did say that his reading teacher was a very touched by the book.  :) 

I have pre-op testing tomorrow so it will be a little crazy at work leaving for a couple of hours.  But I have to get that area of my life as close as much as possible before my surgery.  I can now focus on this area.

Two weeks from today

I was sitting here thinking two weeks from today, I will have this ANGER boob gone.  Right now it is even looking ANGER.  :)  After having it drained, the bruising has set it.  It looks like my nipple grew and covered my whole left boob.  But it doesn't hurt anymore.  Just kinda of itchy.  Again a weird feeling. 

I was wondering that after you have them removed do you get those feelings that they are still there.  Like when people who lose a limp and say that they can still feel it being there.  Kinda of a weird but something to thinking about.  They have been part of my body for 39 years and now they aren't there anymore.  I still am at peace with my decision to have them removed.  And feel it is the best part of the solution. 

I am very stressed thinking about all the stuff that still needs to get done in the next two weeks.  But I am going to take a break for the next two days and head down the shore to hang with some friends and have fun and can't wait to laugh.  I am going to really try and be back to "normal" for the next 48 hours. 

I haven't felt normal since I found the lump.  I feel like it has taken over my life.  Going to doctors, draining my bank account, taking my vacation time, taking away time from my kids.  But I still remain positive every day that I will WIN!!  I use laughter as the best medicine. 

I have had to tell several people in the boys lives about what is going on.  And I get the "Oh I'm sorry look".  I try to tell them it will be OK we are doing what we have to do.  But I still worry about what everything is going to do to my boys.  I hate that it has to effect them.  That is that worst part.  It is just not fair to them.  We don't deserve to have to go through this in addition to our every day challenges.  I have really tried so hard to give them everything in way of love and security.  The changes in our lives that is about to happen just plain SUCKS!  I worry about them the most.  I worry that is it going to scare them seeing mommy in pain, losing her hair.  Because my boys are very visual I know it is going to be a big challenge for them.  But I also think about the positive.  My boys will see that mommy is a fighter and stronger than ever.  And she is doing all of this just for them.  Just like when I had my weight loss surgery.  I did it for us so that I could be healthier and be able to do things with and for them. 

Well I will be back after the weekend.  I leave tomorrow morning and am looking forward to my little get away. 

TTYL

Jenn

18 days and counting

I spent today purging somethings that I have been putting off.  Cleaning out closets and putting away wash and just a normal weekend that I have.  As I was doing this normal stuff, I realized that in 18 days I will not out of commission for a while come March 1st.  I was a little sad but also mad.  I am not good with being restricted.  As from what I understand about the recovery period that I am in for with regards to my mastectomy I will have to rely on my family and friends to just do the basic things.   Such as comb my our hair.  Not even the stuff that I did today like clean my house and do my wash.  I am going to try my best to be a good patient but it is going to be very frustrating for me. 

I also have a personal problem with asking for help.  My mom raised me to be a strong independent person. Being a single parent with two very special active boys it has been a challenge but I always have risen to that challenge and won.  And I am treating this disease as just that.  A challenge that I will not let it win.   I will WIN! 

Next weekend I am headed down the shore to have a good time with friends and watch them just into the ocean.  Yea it is one of my favorite holidays.  And yes I call it a holiday, because it is a time that I use to celebrate and enjoy my friends.  I actually considered jumping this year.  Which I may still do it.   So I can say that I have done it once in this life time.  But maybe I save it for next year to celebrate my new year of celebrating the completing of treatment and the year of me.   I am going to leave it to a game day decision.  And the best part about it that registration fee goes to special olmypics.  Which is a very speical organization for me and my family.  Since Joey plays soccer for them.  

So everyone is calling and checking on me.  Asking me how am I.  I feel fine physically but my mind is always going a mile of minute.   But I guess this is part of the roller coaster ride that I have been on.  Can I get off now.  Oh well maybe not but I will definately going for a really roller coaster ride this summer not going to let anything stop me from being a normal as possible.  That is funny.  The word normal in my world isn't normal.  Never has been.

Well have to get to the boys ready to settle down and relax.  Tomorrow going to do some more purging and see where we go from them.

Thank again for all the prayers and thoughts.  I will update when more come in.

Final Visit w/ Dr. Levy before Surgery

Well today was my follow up check up with Dr. Levy for my surgery on 1/26.  Well ANGER Boob decided it was a little bit more ANGER over the weekend and decided to swell up.   So Dr. Levy had to drain the fluid out.  Mom thinks it is my bra and keeps telling me that we need to get some old lady bras.  OMG I am just dreading having to buy a bra that looks like my gram's.  But if I have to for a while then I have to.  But I should be able to get some really sexy one and the end of the treatment.  But as Dr. Levy tells me to lay down she say it looks very swollen.  And then says that she had to drain it.  She asked mom if she was ok with the needle thing.  And mom said no problem.  Then she processed to wipe down the area with some cleaner and then ok here we go.  STICK!  The initial stick wasn't that bad it was when she started to move it around in there was when my eyes started to roll up in my head.   Oh an Dr. Levy told mom it wasn't because of my bras it was because of her (dr levy).  Dr. Levy said it was very common for this to happen especially because she had to take so much tissue out.

So after she did the draining of the fluid asked me what I had decided and I told her that we are going for the big bang.  She was very satisfied with my decision and said ok go see David and have it all set up.  It was very informal.   Once again I have to go in for Pre-admission testing.  Three times in 3 months.  Because your physical is only good for 30 days and it seems that my surgeries have missed that 30 day mark by 3 - 4 days.  Oh well have to do what I have to do. 

So in the matter of 3 weeks, I will have another surgery.  I am scheduled to have a bi-lateral Mastectomy, Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy and breast re-construction stage one.  

I know it is going to be a rough road, but I feel very at peace with my decision.  I  know in my gut that is the best decision to start this fight. 

I hate being at the mercy of others and feeling helpless but I will do this.  No if ands or butts about it.  It is for me and the boys. 

Well I hope everyone enjoys reading this and it doesn't get to technical for anybody.  I am just trying to get the information out there.

TTYL
Jenn

First Visit to Plastic Surgeon

On today is 2/7 and I went to the plastic surgeon that Dr. Levy referred me to.  Dr. Jospeh DiBello.  Very nice and easy to understand about what my options were.  Again I felt very comfortable with my decision once again.

I have chosen to have a double mastectomy with two step re-construction with plants.  The reason I have chosen to have both of them removed is because the left one is very anger and unstable with cancer cells right now and there is a chance that the cancer could come back in the right breast.  So why chance it.   Some people think this may be the extreme but because of the uncertain nature of this type of cancer and it being agressive.  I feel that we should be agressive back. 

So there are several options for the re-construction.  Implants or taking part of your stomach, back or leg fat and put them into the skin that is left after the mastectomy.  Well I thought that the replacing the breast with stomach tissue would have been the safety bet but turns out I was incorrect.  My best option is going to have implants.  But there is a process that needs to be done.  After the mastectomy, they put expanders under the muscle and start to fill them with saline to create a pocket for the real implant to be place in after treatment.  It seems to be that is it not the best to have the real implants in during radiation.  So looks like at 39 years old, I get to see my boob grow all over again.  Once the expanders are in I go back over several weeks and they fill them to the size that the real implant is going to be.

The recovery period is about 2 - 3 weeks but I know it is the best thing to do for my health at this point.  It is going to be rough but I have a wonderful family and friend support system.  Stay tune to more information tomorrow.   We go to see Dr. Levy tomorrow to get the final decision on scheduling of the surgery.

Thank you for all for your prayer and good thoughts. 

The BASICS

Well today mom gave me a great idea!  Since I have friends and family all of over the place.  I am thinking that it would be easier on everyone that I am the one that provides the information about what is going on with my health!   I guess it the best to say from the mouth of babes is the best.  And as many of you know me, that there maybe spelling mistake and grammar mistakes but as you read or just know me this will be me.

I will try and keep everyone up dated on the facts as well as my feelings as best as possible. 

At times it may be hard for me to ask for help.  Because of the type of person I am, it is very hard to reach out and ask for help.  I have had some many people who love and care about me but also people that I have just meet offer help me get through this very difficult time in my life.   Just know that I will accept all the help that I can get at this time.  Just don't be afraid just to be there.

So I guess I have put out some basic information about why we are here.  The real reason is that I have recently be diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer, Grade 3.  At this point we do not know what stage, because test for the lymph nodes where postponed.   You all ask what does Triple Negative means.  Well it means that this type of breast cancer has an unknown origin.  Not hormone driven or HER2.  These other types of breast cancers gets different treatment because there is known that they can add drugs to the treatment to help.  But TNBC doesn't have these traits. Grade 3 means that I have ANGER cells.   This is a very invasive type of cancer and the only known treatment right now is to try and get clear margins out at the tumor sight (my left breast) and chemo and radiation.

This is the explanation from Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundation website.

These subtypes of breast cancer are generally diagnosed based upon the presence, or lack of, three "receptors" known to fuel most breast cancers: estrogen receptors, progesterone receptors and human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2). The most successful treatments for breast cancer target these receptors.

Unfortunately, none of these receptors are found in women with triple negative breast cancer. In other words, a triple negative breast cancer diagnosis means that the offending tumor is estrogen receptor-negative, progesterone receptor-negative and HER2-negative, thus giving rise to the name "triple negative breast cancer." On a positive note, this type of breast cancer is typically responsive to chemotherapy. Because of its triple negative status, however, triple negative tumors generally do not respond to receptor targeted treatments. Depending on the stage of its diagnosis, triple negative breast cancer can be particularly aggressive, and more likely to recur than other subtypes of breast cancer.

http://www.tnbcfoundation.org/understandingtnbc.html


So ok here is my story on how we got to be TNBC status.  In the beginning of November, I was do a self examination, since I didn't have a man to do this for me.  :)  And I gave it a week to change in size.  Well no such luck.  So I get an appt with my GYN the second week of November and he confirms what I felt.  Sending me home with scribes in hand to get my first mammogram and an ultrasound.  But let me just tell you, insurance companies suck!  They made a little tough at first because with my insurance. Diagnosis images have to be done at the hospital that my primary is associated with.  Well just a hiccup in the road up to now.  Well right before Thanksgiving, I went to Frankford's Fast Track Women's Center and almost a month from my 39th birthday I had my first mammogram and an ultrasound.   The mammogram did confirm the site of the lump and the ultrasound confirmed that the tumor was part cyst and part mass.  Because of these finding this sent us to Dr. Levy at Jeanes Hospital.  Dr. Levy comes highly recommended and is a breast cancer survivor herself.  Our first visit to Dr. Levy's office, was right after Thanksgiving and I laid on her table. She examed the breast and felt the lump and then stuck a needle into the boob.  Extracting the cyst part of the tumor.  The way she discuss things it didn't seem like it was a big deal and there was not too much to worry about.  Then the phone call comes, that the cyst pathology comes back and they found pre-cancerous cells in the sample.  Ok time to start to be concerned but still no real red flags.   So right before Xmas, 22nd to be exact, in we go for the tumor biopsy.  The surgery wasn't that bad and actually recovery wasn't that bad either.  

Well I decided to take some vacation time with my boys during this time.  Little did I know that the week I was on vacation, my life would be turned up side down.  On December 26th, 3 days before my 39th birthday, Dr Levy called me from her home and told me that I had to come into her office the results from the pathology reports were not good.    Off to Dr. Levy office we go.  We sit in her office and she tells me that I  have Breast Cancer.  And I think what happened after she said those words is just a blur.  But what I thought I did understand was that there was not a lot of cancer cells in the biopsy.  I hear bits and pieces of what treatments were necessary but she couldn't give me answers until we get more testing done.  So that day changed my life, walking out of the office with more testing in my hand.  If you know me you know I have to get stuff done as soon possible.  So I left Dr. Levy's office and went directly to Quest and had my liver enzymes tested.  Then on the phone to get appts lined up.  Gave myself a birthday present.  Spent 2 hours in an MRI machine to get my MRI with and without contrast.   Got great results from those two test.  No signs of cancer in the liver or in the right breast only in the left in the area that they know.  Then New Year came and went.  Nothing really great to celebrate because this is going to be a rough year so I figured 2013 will be my year to celebrate.   So on the 3rd of January I was back at the hospital to get my nuclear bone scan and chest xray.  Again results from these test came back negative.  So my attitude changed a lot when I started to get these results.  Puts a different perspective on what was happening.  Negative is good in cancer testing.  The next and final step in getting the answers was to go in on January 26th to get the lumpectomy and test the lymph nodes. 

So back to Jeanes short procedure unit, but this time they give me general. Coming out of general was very a lot harder than the first surgeon.  Really put me down and feeling like shit for three days. They went back into the site of the biopsy to test to get clear margins.   Well I wake up in recovery and could move my arm amd was concerned that they forgot to do my lymph nodes, but not the case.  Come to find out that Dr. Levy thought there may have been an infection in the site of the surgery so she did not want to risk injecting radioactive dye into my lymph nodic system and risk spreading it.  Mom and I where a little confused.  We where like WTF I am going to have to have another surgery to get the lymph node tested.  Well it turned out to be more.  We never got a full explanation of what was going on since all the testing.  But Dr. Levy called after the pathology reports back from the re-excision and said that she wants me to see an oncologist sooner than later.  Like here is the name of two and take the first available appt.  

Well let just say all these feelings come over you.  Scared, pissed and one thousand others that you never really think you don't have.  So February 1st, mom and I entered our first appt with a radiation oncologist.  Armed with lots of questions, because at this point we both felt very lost.  Lots of questions no answers.  You figure in one month we went from small amounts of cancer found to get your ass to the oncology NOW!   So we meet with Dr. Styles (female doctor) and she was very informative and explained a lot and answered all of our questions.    This is when we learned it was TNBC with very anger cells.  But then she also explained that after discussing with Dr. Levy what they were finding when they went back in.  Usually when they go back in for a lumpectomy, they can scoop out the tumor and get good clear margin.  And over course not mine, they tested several area of my breast including areas closer to the breast bone and when they scooped out the cells they were not solid and broke apart in Dr. Levy's hands.  So great.  What are our options?  CHEMO and RADIATION are definitely.  These are the only treatments for TNBC.  But as far as seeing if they can get clear margins in the left breast or not is "MY PERSONAL CHOICE"  well let me tell you that was the most frustrating thing to hear.  My personal choice was to see if they can go in and take out more of my breast tissue (after they already have removed approximately 3 inches total) or to remove the breast all together.  Total area of cancer found was over 6.3 cm.  From speaking to Dr. Levy about why they didn't go in test my lymph nodes, I got the feeling  Dr Levy was on the side of going with removing the whole breast.  Did you ever get a gut feeling from what a person is telling to you but not telling you.  Dr. Styles won't give her opinion but did give me facts.  I have to say leaving Dr. Styles office I was leaning toward getting them removed but totally not sure.  But I was able to get a second opinion lined up on Friday to see Dr. Biermann (male) up here in the burbs.  Again he came very recommended, but he did not speak to Dr. Levy so the only insight he had to my case was what he seen on paper.  Mom was not able to go to that appt, but Aunt Carmen went which was great because it gave me another set of ears to listen with and ask her own questions.  Maybe some questions that mom or I didn't come up to.  So I sat in Dr. Biermann's office he examined me and read the reports and then came back told me almost exactly what Dr. Styles told me about the medical portion of my diagnosis.  But I asked him straight out what he thought my best option would be.  I did explain to him what I medically understood was going on with my body and he agreed.  And then he flat out told me that I should get the breast removed.  I am not sure if it was because he is man, older or just don't give a shit but when he said that and because two of the doctors that know about what is going on with my health basically said that removing the breast would be the best treatment option.  A giant weight was lift off of my back.  I felt that my gut was right all along. 

Well this is where we are at.  Tomorrow we meet with the plastic surgeon and Wednesday we go and see Dr. Levy.  So looks like by the end of the month I will rid of the ANGER BOOB and the lymph nodes tested.  By the end of the month we will have a full diagnosis.  And then 4 - 6 weeks after the surgery we will start Chemo.  We don't know what the timing will be on the chemo that all depends on what pathology reports come back on the lymph nodes. 

Well I am remaing positive and trying to laugh as much as possible.   So balls to the wall here we go this cancer wants to be aggresive it doesn't know who's body it has entered.  I am a fighter and will never give up.

Jenn